The Pain, Hurt, and Tears of Following a Dream.

January 4th, 2013

“I don’t want you to go”

I heard the tears in her voice, then saw it in her eyes.

I didn’t know what to say… So I said nothing.

I hugged each of my family members. They turned and walked to their car.

I didn’t want to cry, but the tears came anyways.

Here I was, heading back to Japan, to follow my dream.

And all I could do, was cry…

I Never Expected It

I’ve lived in Japan for a year and a half.

I thought the hard part was over.

When I first came here, everything was novel. It was a new and exciting life.

I was blind to the distance, the challenges, the struggles… It was all just “part of it”.

As I was driven to the airport I couldn’t stop hearing the words:

“I don’t want you to go”.

I couldn’t hold back my tears.

I cried. And cried. And cried.

The Pain is Part of It

It’s crazy, right?

I quit my career as an educator. I moved to the other side of the world. I’ve faced unemployment. Been in danger of deportation. I moved to a new city, where nobody knew my name. All in a country where I can’t even speak the language.

In theory, all the “hard stuff” is done.

But theory and life don’t always align…

“Fearless” is Not The Answer.

At times I feel like I get undeserved credit. People say “you are brave”, “you are fearless”.

But that’s not true. I feel fear. I feel pain.

The difference isn’t what I feel… It’s how I respond. [Click to Tweet]

Pain doesn’t stop me. Nor does fear.

It’s a mental perspective.

I stare pain in the face. It is a test. It allows me to prove how bad I want it.

I have not run from pain, and will not run from pain.

If I refuse to stop, by definition I am unstoppable.

I will follow my dream – no matter what it takes.

Is it worth it?

Here is the bottom line, and why I share this story with you:

Pain is not to be avoided. If you dare to follow your dream you will face situations and challenges you never could have imagined.

Is it hard?

Yes, it is.

But do you know what’s harder?

Settling.

Living a life half-lived.

Sitting on the sidelines, never getting in the game.

The pain I feel today will bring me freedom and opportunity tomorrow.

I’d rather feel the pain of of living than the pain of regret. [Click to tweet]

It’s your choice… Will you choose to follow your dream?

  • http://twitter.com/AlexAtSI Alex

    I agree. Settling is very treacherous. You get addicted to it before you notice. It’s OK if settling is a decision you consciously made. But if it’s not, then you can’t lie to yourself forever; and one day, sooner or later, you’ve got to face all those painful aspects of pursuing your dream.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      I’ve never heard it put that way Alex – that settling is an addiction. It’s true though. Before we know it, we can become addicted to this idea that we are “unlucky” “victims” and “it’s just not meant to be”.

      It’s hard to really be honest with ourselves about what we want.

  • http://JaredLatigo.com/ Jared Latigo

    Well said Izzy. Can’t imagine just settling…that would be much more painful in the long run!

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Too true brother :) . Settling is worse than eating a bag full of rocks!

  • http://twitter.com/MagicLifeNet Trent Hand

    Dude, I can relate to this so much. Even though the world is a big place and so much fun to explore, the pain of leaving loved ones and comfort is real. We all experience it, though we shouldn’t avoid it. Running from pain only increases it. Thank you for sharing.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Yeah man, this is how it goes :) . It’s all part of the process. It’s a fascinating thing to me because on one end it hurts but the other option (to not follow the dream) will hurt way more down the road. Glad to see you dropped by and commented man. Looking forward to chatting.

  • Lukas Korynta

    Well said Izzy,

    strong words, but you are right, nobody said it would be easy. I though about how to comment this amazing article and I’m just gonna say this: I saved this one to all my devices. Deep inside I KNOW I’m gonna need to read it again in future, as I decided to pursue my dream. Thank you sincerely.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Lukas, thank you for saying this :) . I’m glad it touched you on such a deep level.

  • Shane

    Biggest lesson I learned last year. And it’s still real. Thanks again, Izmeister!

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      What’s the lesson you learned? If you don’t mind sharing.

      • Shane

        About how pain is unavoidable and to not live life in order to avoid pain is stupid. That really hit me hard last year and it inspired me to get a move on and go for what I know. Life isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to be enjoyed and lived in spite of challenges.

  • http://www.facebook.com/karen.douglas.9083 Karen Yvonne

    love it! I would rather fail the impossible than live the predictable… thanks!

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      I would rather fail the impossible than live the predictable. Beautiful line… Just beautiful :) … But you know the crazy part – the deeper we get on our journeys all of a sudden the previously impossible becomes possible :) .

  • Sherri LC

    Glad you brought this topic up. That’s what all my blubbering about losing my boat/sailing around the world dream was about. I DID have to settle because IM A PARENT. I AM living a life half lived and sitting on the side lines because I made the choice to parent my child instead. In the long run it will have been the better choice, as she will grow up and away and the ocean will still be there. The pain I feel today of passing up my dream will bring freedom and opportunity later. Now my goal is to make the “settling” as interesting as possible….

    • Suzanne Stormon

      Sherri, I know what you mean about settling. I did that while my daughter was growing up and I tried to make it interesting but a lot of the time it was just about her. She’s all grown up now and I have a best friend and a daughter that is like gold to me. She lives far away (New Zealand and I’m in the US), but I get to live a dream and go visit her in Vietnam this spring. I think you may be able to go for some of your own goals at the same time. Remember, conformity is easier when you’re a parent, but it isn’t always necessary.

      • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

        I really appreciate your support for Sherri on this Suzanne :) . Thank you!

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      I think one of the most dangerous mindsets a human being can fall trapped into is an “A or B” type of attitude. This attitude assumes that we only have 2 options – that we can only have option A or option B and that each option does not allow the other. I have fallen trap to this belief on many occasions.

      But the true power lies in discovering and implementing option C. Option C is a creative choice that allows us to encompass components from A and B. Rather than “either/or” thinking, option C focuses on “and” thinking. Sherri, I am confident there is a 3rd option that will allow you to make the most of your current situation. You just got to find it :) .

    • Nick del Pozo

      Hi Sherri, I don’t often comment on Izzy’s posts, but I wanted to say something. First, I think you are AWESOME for being a parent. I believe that being a mum or a dad is something that takes guts, and determination – and being a GOOD mum or dad also takes personal integrity, smarts, the ability to made excellent choices, and strength of body and spirit. I believe you have all these things.

      Sure, sailing around the world right now is not something you can do – and I can totally understand that because you can’t do that massive dream, it feels like you’re ‘settling’. But I am certain that even if your big dream has been momentarily suspended, it doesn’t mean you can’t pursue other dreams that *are* possible while raising a child!! And it doesn’t mean you can’t work towards your main dream, either! Maybe now would be a good time to start saving a little bit of money away each week for buying your dream boat! Or maybe you could start reading as much as you can about navigation, and theory! Even if it’s just a little action every day, you can still be working towards your goal.

      I think you said it BEST when you said ‘the ocean will still be there’. That’s so true!! And while you keep on doing an AWESOME job raising kids, you can also keep your dream alive!! Izzy’s right about the ‘option C’. I’m sure you’ll find an expected and excellent solution!!!

  • Erik

    It reminds me of a proverb I heard from the game Jade Empire. It was a good line and it’s always stood out in my mind.

    “The obvious path is humble, safe, but pays the wage of a cook, not a champion.”

    It’s better to get out there and chase our dreams than to suffer the pain of not taking action to do something that we really want.
    Thanks for sharing this with us, Izzy.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Well put Erik :) . The obvious path is the dangerous path. If we want to make things easy – we can just do what everyone else tells us to do. Actually that is phrased incorrectly. It’s easy in the short term. But over the long term, it is incredibly difficult to live with the fact that we took the “obvious path”.

  • http://twitter.com/Insperashen Brian Thompson

    Man there are a few quotes in this messages that I would like to use on my site and give my thoughts on them. Do you mind? If they are your quotes I want to give you credit for them.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Of course Brian :) . Feel free to quote me all you want – just make sure to link to this post (or wherever you get the quote from).

      I feel honored that you would like to quote me :) .

  • edenxavier

    So true indeed. But you’re right: it’s not like this path doesn’t come with its struggles and challenges. They do, it’s just a different kind. What’s unsettling about settling is the pain of regret — the pain of suppressing our passion every time it reawakens itself throughout our years. It’s not a pleasant feeling at all to dwell over what COULD’VE been. We please everyone else’s hopes and expectations except ours.

    I’m allergic to settling (achoo!).

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Man oh man! I hear you on this one. The pain of “what could have been” is a horrible one to face. In particular, when someone keeps on dwelling about the past. The thing that is so beautiful and scary about life is that we have the opportunity to change our life at the drop of a dime… Some people don’t accept this truth. But it’s real. It goes both ways – I could let the pain get to me and quit on my dream and that would drastically change my life. Of course I won’t do that :) .

  • Ben

    Awesome Izzy, I just found your site! I always admired people who just drop everything and go and follow their dream. Good job.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Thank you Ben :) . I appreciate you saying that.

  • Will Lien

    Awesome post Izzy. The bigger pain IS regret. You are unstoppable.

    Will

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Haha! Thanks man! I hope you are getting ready for 2013! It’s gonna be the biggest year yet :) .

  • Andrew

    lovely!

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Thank you!

  • http://www.vishnusvirtues.com/ Vishnu

    ok, here we go – you were expecting this. the pain of not following our dream is more painful than following our dream.

    what if following our dream is painful? very painful? What if it puts us in debt, risks our home, sends us into depression? I have a friend who’s being trying to follow his dream for 10 years and it’s just not working out. when does he stop?

    It’s painful for the rest of us to watch him follow a dream which seems to move farther and farther away from him.

    Are some dreams too painful and we have to stop at some point – wise ninja?

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      So, this will probably come off a tad bit on the blunt side… But here it goes anyways. If this person has been going at it for 10+ years and is showing zero results then they need to start proactively reaching out for more help.

      It comes down to the simple law of cause and effect. For every single effect there is a cause. If we identify the cause and then repeat it then eventually we will live that same effect. It sounds like this person is just going and going and going but not doing any learning in the process.

      I don’t think we ever need to stop chasing the dream, but we do need to stop, adjust and change what we are currently doing if it’s not working.

      It’s pretty clear what this person is doing isn’t working. They don’t need to reevaluate their dream, but instead reevaluate their approach. Make sense V?

      • http://www.vishnusvirtues.com/ Vishnu

        yup! that pretty much sums it up. good thoughts. we’ve been all providing advice for the past few years but he’s the one who’s got to make those changes happen. a re-evaluation and implementation of the approach is the missing ingredient.

  • Sean

    I’m not normally one to drop a quote and run, but I think this captures my viewpoint far more eloquently than I could…

    “So don’t be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don’t know what work they are accomplishing within you?”
    ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Wow… Just wow… *speechless*

      • Sean

        I take it that’s the bad kind of speechless? All I meant was that often times that pain is there to grab our attention. And that can be a wonderful thing if it’s something we can learn from – how awesome our loved ones are, for example. Perhaps in a lot of ways pain can be just as good a teacher as failure?

        • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

          Haha! Nope Sean :) . I meant that as the good kind of speechless. I loved it! It’s powerful, honest and real.

          I think people don’t understand the power behind pain. That pain isn’t something to be run from, rather it is simply part of the journey :) .

          I didn’t mean it in a bad way at all! Keep your comments coming! They are always welcome :) .

  • Scott Fitzpatrick

    Hey bro, this is one of my favorite things I have EVER read, not just one of my favorite posts from you. You couldn’t have said it better. Pain is just a way for some type of emotion to show itself (fear, sadness, hurt). Pain is pain is pain no matter what direction your life is going. Pain is inevitable; It is part of the life process. That said, good on you for seeing the difference between the hardships of life by not chasing your dreams and the hardships of life by chasing your dreams. Keep it up my man!

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      It’s kind of crazy, right? Pain isn’t something that we should run from, but that goes against our human nature.

      This is one of the reasons it is so difficult to move forward with our dreams – because we will face situations that go against our own survival instincts.

      Also, thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it. It makes me happy to know this post connected with you on such a deep level :) .

  • Wendy Irene

    This post really pulled on my Mom heart strings. I agree with you and at the same time it reminds me of how hard it will one day be to set my little ones free in the world. Hugs to your Mum (they say that in Canada too). My kids are half Canadian ;-)

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      I got to admit Wendy it was really hard to see my mom cry. My mom isn’t a crier. In fact, I can only recall her crying on a handful of occasions in my life. This was one of them. It pulled the strings of my heart like I never knew they could be pulled.

  • http://culturemutt.com/ Bjorn Karlman

    Thanks, this post was definitely encouraging. I’m feeling some fear right now. I’m in Bangkok for three months and am traveling the world for a year with my wife. We will be living here, Buenos Aires, Berlin and Mumbai. Like you, we quit our jobs to do this. We know it was the right thing to do but dealing with uncertainty is rarely easy.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Yeah Bjorn, it’s not easy! But understanding that it is part of the process is very important. I have to remind myself of that when I face tough situations.

      If we want to accomplish great things we must face dare to face great struggles.

  • http://jyue.net/ Ja

    Izzy, this post is so relevant to me right now.

    Here is a very interesting TED talk by Daniel Kahneman I watched recently, it struck a chord and also a lot of contemplation.

    One major takeaway for me is to end your activities pleasurably – finish on a high or at least not in pain.

    Also, it seems that we can have the best of both worlds with practice – create a pleasant present for fulfilling memories.

    • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

      Very interesting points you bring up Ja :) . I’ll take a look at that TED talk in a little bit. Daniel Kahneman wrote a book correct?

      Some activities and pursuits require some pain though. Would you disagree?

      • http://jyue.net/ Ja

        Yes, he wrote “Thinking, Fast and Slow”. It’s on my reading list.

        I certainly wouldn’t disagree. I think anything worth doing involves pain. Exercise, for example, is painful, but ending a workout with a well deserved sip of water and a nice shower will leave a positive memory of it, not so much ending it with an injury.

        The first deep breath taken after being submerged under water is euphorically wonderful, the moments before are painful. But you can practice enjoying a breath without the contrast of suffocation, and to become accustomed to notice a positive in everything. That’s what all those gratitude attitude people are banging on about whether they realise it or not.

        Guess what I’m trying to say is choose the present to be pleasant (see the positive, the successes now) then your memory of it will follow, so you can have the best of both worlds.

        • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

          Very valid point Ja! It is critical that we recognize our own joys and successes. If all we do is focus on the pain, then all we will feel is the pain. There’s power in the present – especially when we can learn to appreciate it!

          Well stated :) .